I Live in airports...
Sunday September 21st, 2008
The first photo I took in Ireland on the bus to Galway City back in July.
All good things must end - name of the last episode of Star Trek
I am writing this on a plane. Everyone on this plane is white. Everyone on this plane is ugly. I am trying to watch some Chronicles of Narnia piece of garbage on the projection screen movie but the gentleman in front of me prefers to hold his paper high in the air to the glory of God effectively blocking my view. I just ate some food that was chicken but AMAZINGLY was the only fowl ever eaten that did not in any way taste like chicken.
I used to really enjoy using the toilets in airplanes because when you flush them it is kind of like a real life Star Trek transporter where you body junk is magically whisked away into microscopic particles which sprinkle onto sunbathers as they lay outside to get a browner skin tone. I still enjoy these toilets - but not sitting beside them.
My bags were much too heavy when I checked them in. I gasped to the attendant and exclaimed, "Are we closer to the center of the Earth or something? I didn't buy anything and the weight was fine when I left". Then I asked her if it was possible that dirty clothes weigh more than clean clothes. At this point she simply stated - please, don't worry about it - just leave. I won’t charge you extra. I was very happy for this and will be very glad to add to my collection of exotic heavy rocks when I get back home.
My legs are cramped, the person behind me is doing drum perididdles on the back of my seat and the bathroom which is directly beside my seat makes the vortex sucking sound every minute on the minute like some sort of disgusting old faithful. These are random thoughts from an airplane. I will miss all of these things - because with them comes the wonderful world of travel.
Here are some facebook Galleries of Ireland, England, Venice Faces, Venice Places, Florence, and Rome 1, Rome 2 I took over the last week and a half.Saturday September 20th, 2008
Galway, Ireland
Today is my final day in Europe. I end my journey as it began, in Galway Ireland. While I was living in Ireland I was frustrated by the high prices, lack of mobility around the region, and the super terrible crappy awful weather. For my enjoyment, today had some of the best sunny weather Galway has had all summer. For the most part my schedule was pretty relaxed and allowed me ample time to pack and go out drinking with my Ireland friends from the band Disconnect 4. I had a few errands to run today, such as yelling at the Radisson for underpaying me, yelling at the bus company for not telling me return tickets expire, and yelling at my reflection for buying nothing but large heavy books while in Europe that I know have to transport back to Canada.
Sabine, Countryside, Ireland
Early in the day I received a message from my brother-in-law's family that they would like me to go up to their house today for lunch or dinner. I opened my wallet to see how much money I had to eat on my own; I decided to follow the moth that came out all the way to my brother-in-law's family house in the country. Since I had promised to go to lunch with my French scientist friend Sabine before I left, I dragged her out with me.
Galway, Ireland
When the weather is crap in Ireland, it is a boring, cold, lonely and awful place. When the weather is wonderful, Ireland is magical and the emerald Isle sparkles. Today was a magical day in Ireland. After being away for almost two months I appreciate just how clear the air is here. I noticed this especially when I compare my photos from different countries I have visited this last while. The Irish countryside was the perfect place to watch the sun set on my European journey; symbolically and actually. My extended family, "the Coppengers" are every bit as energetic, sarcastic and generous as I have come to expect from most of the people I have met in Ireland.
Duck, Ireland
They explained that we were going to have duck tonight, but it was a tad undercooked. They then presented me with a baby duckling from the backyard which struggled to walk on the glass coffee table. This drew "oohs" and "aaahs" from everyone in the room. I then horrified everyone by biting off his head and drawing a pentagram on the wall with its bloody stump body - or maybe I took some photos and pet its cute head - I don't really recall to be honest.
Joe, Countryside, Ireland
The potatoes, the chicken, the carrots were all freshly pulled out of the ground or animal as of that morning. The pie, I was told, was award winning. I drank 5 cups of tea and ate probably a pound of jam. After walking around the property eating blackberries off the tree with Sabine, I politely sat through a long story about the war from the grandfather that I would love to retell here, but I honestly understood about as much from his thick Irish accent as I would have if he had told it to me in Italian. I was told a wonderful story about a Chinese gentleman who taught himself Gaelic and came to Galway only to be told to all the non-Gaelic speaking natives here that "WE DO NOT SPEAK CHINESE". It was only on this poor man's second week that an older Irish man in a pub managed to catch him trying to explain his lunch order and turned around wide-eyed on his stool and said, "The son of a bitch isn't speaking Chinese, he is speaking fugging Irish!"
Abbey Ruins, Galway, Ireland
On the drive back, I saw an old Abbey that was missing its roof and my generous host gladly pulled over so I could grab one more round of photos to add to my collection of Irish ruins. On my last day in Ireland and Europe, it was truly one of the highlights of my trip. The sun was setting behind the amazingly preserved 13 century ruins and it refreshed my memory of why I love Ireland so much. Ireland is for everyone. There was no visitor center, there was no admission fee. Ireland's culture is here for anyone who wants to appreciate and walk through the tall grass to get to it. I wanted to film the opening credits to "Little House on the Prairie" in the surrounding field, but the sun had already set.
Abbey Ruins, Galway, Ireland
I went back to Galway City, finished packing, and went to the Roshen Dub for a round of drinks with the Disconnect 4 boys - Yvonne is on vacation in Germany so she was sadly not present. I didn't recognize them at first because they all had their hair done differently and were wearing thick black glasses. The lead singer Leon explained to me they had ceremoniously come dressed as Joe Fuda. I laughed and choked back my tears with a pint of Guinness.
Thursday, Friday September 18 - 19, 2008
The REAL Golden Girls, Cambridge, England
I am writing this in Ireland on a bus to Galway City. An hour ago I was in London and 4 hours ago I was in Cambridge. In the hostel in Florence there was a sign on the wall that read "Airports are nature’s way of making you look like your passport photo" - I am starting to believe it. I have been hopping from country to country, city to city to visit close friends before I leave this continent that I have more recently called home.
Chris, Cambridge
In Cambridge I visited my friend Chris Osbourne who works for the BBC. I don't know if Chris wants his personal life broadcast for all (that was sort of a BBC joke Chris) but I am so amazed by him that I think he will take this as a compliment rather than exploitation. This summer he had a terrible accident which seriously hurt his left arm but I am happy to say left the Chris I know and love exactly the same. When I heard he had his accident, my first thought was how terrible this world is that would let something so awful happen to (and I am not exaggerating or being melodramatic) the kindest, nicest, most sincere person I have met in my entire life. I won’t gush on, but I would like to say how absolutely amazed I am by his strength and ability to still out pun me and to hit me back with a comeback for every single inappropriate and sarcastic thing I say (which is everything).
English Dog, Cambridge, England
Cambridge is a very lovely town. It is the NICEST place I have ever visited in England. I was a little sour that I had to go to England because every time I visit my soul and bank account seem to lose out. I arrived in Stansted, stepped off the plane and said "I can't believe I am in fucking England again". I was only here in January, and before that the summer before. For some reason I come to England AGAIN and AGAIN For GOD knows what reason! Being in Venice one minute and England the next is kind of like being in bed with a beautiful girl and then finding yourself in front of a large cloaked skeleton with his arm outstretched asking you for two coins to bring you across the River Styx. (But remember that is two coins in Sterling, so that is essentially DOUBLE whatever worthless currency you are unlucky enough to have brought with you).
Wicked car, Cambridge, England
When I arrived in Cambridge at 1AM none of the cab drivers wanted my Euros. They didn't take visa. For ten minutes I talked to one of the cab drivers and convinced him that EVENTUALLY he will want to travel around Europe and that EVENTUALLY would use the Euros and it wasn't like I was trying to give him a fucking jack of hearts playing card with my signature on it! He drove me to Chris's house where I had my first tea in over a month and slept on his roommate’s slimy bed. I should probably add that his roommate was in London and not in the bed with me.
Cambridge, England
The next morning I went for a walk along the river into the very green and very wealthy University town. The university reminds of University of Toronto, but 10 times the size and twice the age. I poked my head in a few churches around town, but I must admit that if I don't see the inside of a church again for the next year I don't think I will mind. In Europe, I have probably visited over 500 churches - and that was just in Venice! I bought some candy in a market, which was terrible. Chris then met me at a pub called "The Flying Pig" which I had a wonderful time asking people around town the location of. "Excuse me, do you know where I can find the Flying Pig - it is either a pub or part of some sort of magestical petting zoo".
Chris, Cambridge, England
After this, we went in search for British food - something I believe this fine country has been frantically searching to find for a very long time. It is not really a myth, food in England is terrible. Food in Ireland is AWFUL, but food in England is just terrible. One minute I was eating pizza with artichokes in Venice, the next I found myself choking on some dried out fudge I purchased at a candy store in Cambridge. We went to a pub called the Sloppy Wench Arse or something and I ordered the MOST British item on the menu - which was disgusting sausages in a buttery mash potatoes goulash. It was of course very yummy - I continue to enjoy it the next day as it slides up my main arteries into my brain.
Cambridge, England
The night was low-key, we played some Nintendo (which Chris beat me at every time with ONE hand) and I talked about how many really really hot women were walking in skirts around this fine town.
The next day, I went to the Fitzwilliam museum. This is an INCREDIBLE collection of art by some rich dead British guy which has everything from Rembrandts to Picassos, to paintings by the writer William Blake. If there is ONE thing I love about England, it is that the museums are free and they are some of the BEST in the world in both the quality of the collections and the way they present them. My favorite item of the day was a medieval gauntlet that was an artificial limb that when attached to a stump could be made to grasp by pushing a button on the palm. Chris reasoned that such a device would be useless for holding kittens.
Cambridge, England
My favorite story of the day was how there used to be three priceless Chinese Vases on display in front of the window in the museum staircase before a gentleman tripped over his shoelaces in 2006 and fell into and destroyed all of them. They put them back together and now have them in a glass case AWAY from the stairs. There is a link somewhere which shows this guy falling on the vases, which I am going to YouTube the hell out of as soon as I get my internet back.
Grabbing a quick bite at a French style pub - the food was actually decent but NOT anything like French cuisine - Chris and I hopped on a train to visit my old friend Jen Pugh for her Birthday. Jen Pugh is studying to be a Doctor. I have always considered her to be a genius - even though I did once tell her I was going bald and she DID tell me it was because I wore a hat to which I said "Wearing a HAT? Don't you specialize in GENETICS?!!!"
Loving the tea, Cambridge, England
Jen lives in Kentish town. I did not know this. Kentish town is beside Camden Town. At one point I was actually AT the Camden town tube station. Camden town is the ONLY part of London I did not want to go ANYWHERE near. I have my entirely irrational personal reasons for this and spent the entire night in a sort of Woody Allen like panic episode. I was there only briefly because of my late flight back to Ireland. I hugged and kissed goodbye my lovely British friends whom I would gladly visit smelly old London and choke greasy sausages for at any time of my life. The British are a lovely people who are simply too polite to tell one another that their food sucks and their major city is a toilet. I love them for it.
Wednesday September 17, 2008
Piazza San Marco, Venice, Italy
Today is my last day in Venice. The words I just typed make me want to puke. Why would anyone leave such a place? Venice is amazing. It is simply enchanting. I think the reason that some people don't like Venice very much is that what it offers is more like a museum experience. Venice is not a place to go for coffee, or to shop, or to eat, or to live. Venice is a living museum. If you want to find a place to get drunk in and throw up outside of, it is not Venice. If you went out drinking, you might very easily end up drowning in a canal.
Venice, Italy
My last day in Venice I visited the George Barbier museum. George Barbier was an art deco artist who designed costumes, advertisements and covers for many publications at the turn of the century. The museums in Venice would be museums without anything in them. The BUILDING that housed the exhibit was nice enough that I probably would have paid just to walk around in. I was so impressed by the exhibit that I bought a very heavy and quite expensive book. This will probably be my first and last purchase of any kind while working and travelling throughout Europe.
Venice, Italy
I really didn't set out to see anything in particular in Venice. I was impressed enough with the architecture and weather that I didn't really want to go inside anywhere. The friends of my family fed me wonderfully on my last day of Italy at their restaurants. The restaurants they own are spectacular and if anyone is going to Venice, let me know and I will give you the names and directions to them. If somewhere on my body there is one packet of fat on my butt that is made of Gelato, Pizza and pasta then I would like that packet of fat to be the one that I bring back with me to Canada. If it could somehow look like a muscle - well then that would be a SUPER bonus.
Venice, Italy
After strolling for a while, doing some videos of the atmosphere and making sure I had enough photos of buildings WITH canals in them I went on the public transport boat and sat on it as it circled the city till the sun fell in the sky. When I came out of my trance of listening to "The Postal Service" and staring at moving water I realized that I was kind of in the middle of a large body of water and Venice was a small spec on the horizon. Clearly I sat on that bus a tad too long.
Venice, Italy
I made sure I took some nice photos of Jackamo and his family to send back to them from Canada because in Venice if you burn a bridge behind you then you must pay for a water taxi or Gondola to bring you to the other side. If you want to be economical in Venice, be nice to your benefactors.
Tuesday September 16, 2008
Venice, Italy
Why have people told me Venice sucks. Venice does NOT suck! Venice is AMAZING!
So I am now updating the rest of this blog entry in Ireland. Pretend I wrote this on the steps of a bridge over a Canal just steps away from St. Marco's square under a window which framed the backlit image of a beautiful woman changing bras and I have a Gelato in one hand and a coffee in the other (what on EARTH would I be typing with?).
Venice, Italy
I really want to defend Venice, because in my mind it is truly a wonderful city even if there are more tourists than Americans. Every single one of my friends and family told me Venice sucks - so I was not expecting much. Venice is not really a city anymore; it is a living museum. If you approach it this way then you won’t be disappointed when you find the nightlife is old people watching Clarinet players, bars that are empty, and couples kissing one another badly and tastelessly on bridges, in Gondolas, in front of doorways, and very romantically in the closed bathroom stall of one of the restaurants where I grabbed a coffee.
Random Girl, Venice, Italy
If anyone wants to go to Venice with me sometime, I have place. My uncle Orlando has a friend who gave me an apartment and fed me for my ENTIRE visit. I spent about 20 bucks my entire stay in Venice - which might account for my happy review of the city. If anyone is going there, the place is cheap to rent and it is very very close to everything cool in Venice. I LOVE YOU JACKAMO!
Perhaps Venice might be overrated; but if it is I really don't know why. For me it was a city where the architecture and landscape live in harmony, and the art everywhere will keep you wide eyed even as your pocket books slims. If you want my advice as a cheap traveler, see the touristy areas quickly and then move away from the busy areas to the edge of the city. Here you will find a Venice as lovely and enchanting as the rest, but without Americans in fanny packs gasping at the price of coffee and without large groups of German girls wetting their cleavage and playfully skipping nude through the puddles of water. Again, it all depends on what you WANT to see in Venice.
My magic city moment was sitting at the back of a boat-bus as it winds through the canals of Venice. You have to pay to use the public transport here of course but since I looked Italian I didn't bother paying and kind of used it for two days and figured I would break down crying if anyone questioned my sincerity.
Piazza San Marco, Venice, Italy
As night fell, I walked around the city wishing I could do a photo shoot with someone; because this city is truly magic, I got my wish. I ran into a stunning young red head girl from Australia named Kitty who was clearly a model. I explained to her that I was NOT trying to sleep with her and NOT trying to pick her up and really just wanted to walk around and do some photos with a model in Venice. She understood I wasn't the dragging into the alley and knifing type so she agreed to let me take some photos the same night. After the photo shoot I dragged her into an alley and knifed her - you know just to give her a story to tell her friends.
Kitty, Venice, Italy
It was a lot of fun walking around. Taking some natural photos of a model in a foreign city made me realize how much I miss my studio and portrait photography career back in Toronto. I was without my strobes, my off camera flashes and without pretty much any of my toys I would usually use when shooting portraits at night - but I think I managed to pull off some very nice photos. To be honest, the model was gorgeous and so was the city so if my photos were anything but impressive then I could consider my career essentially over.
Venice, Italy
As the city locked up the patio chairs and the bars, you could see couples old and young walking arm in arm over bridges and kissing in doorways. What I thought was a recording to deter loitering and skaters was a phenomenal clarinet player performing for the Venice nightlife. Somehow it didn't even amaze me when I noticed he hadn't put anything out to collect coins, he was performing for the love of playing and his love of Venice and nothing else. I am not gay - not that there is anything wrong with that.
Venice, Italy
Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday Sept Blah Blah Blah 2008
Florence, Italy
I REGRET NOTHING YOU BASTARDS!!!!
I am in Florence; I was in Rome and well... I am seeing Florence and Rome and don't want to sit in front of a computer you bastards! I would love to say that the experience has left me speechless but the truth is I have LOTS to say, but I would rather say it later and experience the city then sacrifice my experience for punctuality. So, this started out as a blog about my photos, then I started to flex my writing skills and now we return to the beginning. I will add comments later on, but for now please see what I see and try and feel what I feel. I loved Rome, it was a cake made out of Pie and now Florence is my heaven on Earth. Please enjoy - You Bastards.
Florence, Italy
Update: Does god charge admission into heaven? In Florence he does. Most of the churches here you must pay for the privilege of seeing God or mourning at the tomb of Galileo or Michelangelo. There are markets selling leather goods and Italian leather purses everywhere. It’s a very clean, very beautiful city - perhaps the nicest city I have ever been to.
Florence, Italy
The hostel which is called Florence Plus is very nice. It is very clean, has a swimming pool, a club in the basement, free wireless internet, a grocery store very close and is about a 10 min walk to the main cathedral in town. After 3 months I think I am starting to come down with a cold or the flu or something. I had to take a nap on first arriving to Florence just so I could walk around.
Florence, Italy
The first day I walked around and got lost. It started raining, so I decided the best thing would be to try and get some rainy city photos of the city from the famous view at Piazza de Michelangelo. I am mining my mind for some sarcastic things to say about Florence - but the city is amazing. I was not feeling well today and forced myself to trudge through the city and suck up every second of it. I covered a lot of ground my first day. I will update the rest of this entry a little later...
Florence, Italy
Florence, Italy
Florence, Italy
Florence, Italy
"When in Rome..." - wait how does that go again?
Monday Sept 8th/Tuesday Sept 9th, 2008
Naniglio, Ancient Roman Villa, Grotteria, Italy
"Whose central welding torch flows pure water coming from the overlooking mountains of horsehairs"
Today is yesterday and Today is Today - meaning of course that this blog is a double day blog. Yesterday, I went to the beach for the most of the day and read a Norman Mailer book "The Castle in the Forest" about a demon who writes a biography on Adolf Hitler. I could thrill you with photos of me reading a book, but you will have to wait for the movie, then the following novel. It will be one of those wonderful novels that are based on movies and not the other way around. (Note: if you wish to research a charming example "Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey: The Book" is a splendid rendition of the cinematic masterpiece without it losing any of the introspection and wistful musings of the original format)
Today, which is Tuesday, I lived a lie. I pretended I was a reporter. The nearby town, Gioiosa Jonica has some wonderful archeology sites which are not in any tourist guide. There is the early Roman Villa Naniglio, and the beautiful Greek Amphitheatre and a medieval castle. Most of these places are about a 15 min walk from my father's house. He had no idea they existed. I expressed a keen interest in visiting Naniglio ever since I saw a sign indicating it was an important archeological site. My family was under the impression that Naniglio was part of a network of underground tunnels connecting all the castles. Each had their own piece of information to add to the background of Naniglio. There are stories around town of tunnels which go underneath the village from one castle to another. The 3 castles in the area are about 30 miles apart from one another, so I was very impressed and very excited to see these tunnels.
Naniglio, Grotteria, Italy
I was told of a story where a pig was left at one end of the tunnel and eventually made its way to the castle - showing that the tunnels indeed could be used to go from village to village. Getting back to my lie; in order to gain access to these sites you technically have to ask the city permission. The reality is; you must first have a reason to see these sites and secondly be somehow related to the person with the key. My reason to see these sites was that I was a reporter for the "Mumble mumble daily", and also I am a Fuda so related to everyone within 100 miles. I was going to use the name of an actual publication, but they didn't speak a word of English so I told them I wrote for the "Mumble Mumble daily" from Toronto. Futhermore, I said the "Mumble Mumble Daily is an entirely made up newspaper which reaches every single person in Toronto" to which my busty tour guide smiled and nodded politely.
First of all, we visited Naniglio. Naniglio is a partially excavated early Roman villa. What you can actually visit is an amazingly well preserved cellar which has a water well and the remains of a tower above ground. The vaulted ceilings are very impressive. They recently shut the main highway down which ran alongside the site because the traffic was damaging the ancient underground ceiling. In the 1980s they began to excavate the surrounding area and began to find fascinating and amazingly well preserved tile mosaics but had to stop because they "Ran out of funds". The excavation project was terminated and they re-buried what they found to deter theft. The phrase "ran out of funds" seems to come up a lot in Italy and is roughly translated as, "we blew all the excavation money on fast women and slow horses".
Courtyard of Castello Medievalle, Grotteria, Italy
Next, the tour guide with the enormous breasts bounced her way up the hill with me to point her rack in the direction of the medieval castle. What then ensued was a comedy which I shall do my best to faithfully recreate.
Scene: 12 century Medieval castle courtyard
Cast: Busty Woman, Fake Reporter, Smiling Man, Sleepy Boy
[Enter big boob Italian (chesty) with Nerdy Faux Reporter]
Chesty: Parmassiano, Piccolo Italiano blah blah blah (I am going to get my friend)
Reporter: Si.
[Enter Smiling man with gaze fixed on girl’s chest]
Smiling Man: Bonjourno. I no speak Anglish. I get my friend who speaka da Anglish.
Reporter: Graci. Si.
Smiling Man Screams at closed door for 30 min yelling "Foolio, Io No Parla Anglais!! Foolio!! Foolio!! Foolio!!" [gestures to me] Please sit on ancient medieval toilet.
Reporter: Si. Graci. [sits on medieval toilet]
Smiling Man: Blah blah Fettuccini Al pacino blah blah more Italian
[Busty women's boobs nod in unison, they both laugh and he uses the opportunity to put face literally an inch from her chest]
Reporter: "Foolio!!! Foollio!!!"
Castello Medievalle, Grotteria, Italy
After literally 45 min of this guy yelling up to a closed window and occasionally turning to get a glance at the balloon smuggler to his left, I was then given a tour fully in Italian which I understood not a SINGLE word of, but constantly nodded "Si, Si". Tits Magee followed around with him smiling the entire time. Finally a sleepy headed waif boy emerged from the locked door and explained to me in English his friend is a moron and that his apartment was a mess. Apparently this young lad's family owns the castle and the city has permission to show it to visitors whenever they want but they had failed to contact him before. He told me the history of the castle in broken English. He said it was destroyed many times over the centuries, by raids, by fires, and by an awesome Earthquake in the late medieval times which flattened most of Grotteria. It is awaiting the funds for a restoration project in the near future because they had "run out of money". I kept thinking to myself how much action this guy gets by casually mentioning his family owns a medieval castle in Southern Italy to any person would listen.
Medieval Tiles, Hand-painted from Naples, Grotteria, Italy
When I asked him to see the underground tunnels connecting the castles he rolled his eyes and explained that they are an urban myth. In fact nearly everything the local people told me about the history of this town is urban myth. Perhaps some of them are rooted in archeological facts that have yet to be discovered, or perhaps the wine in this region is much stronger than originally thought. Most European castles have enduring myths concerning secret passages that lead to the beach shore, or into town, or into a cemetery, or into some hot maiden's dish cabinet. He also explained that the castle was very modest and to dig such a tunnel through the very rocky terrain in Calabria would have been a project much greater than building 15 castles.
Grotteria, Italy
Continuing my tour, the amphitheatre here is a very small, but very well preserved Greek theatre. I did not visit it today, because I had seen and photographed it last week. This region actually pre-dates Roman times and was a very important Greek settlement that extended from Sicily.
La Theatre of Gioiosa M., Grotteria, Italy
The people at the city office gave me a hilarious pamphlet about the area that has a unique and fresh take on English which I call "Calabraenglish". Here is an excerpt from this pamphlet in UNEDITED FORM.
"For the one who arrives from Gioiosa Marina...after a one another of citrus-trees and olive-groves...with a superb outside in mole-classical style, the building of cult, to only aisle, introduces him rich of you appreciate works of art...On the same square a stage in style liberty faces the ancient Fountain of Ferdinando II of Borbone, from whose central welding torch flows pure water coming from the overlooking mountains of horsehairs".
The boy who lives by himself in a castle, Grotteria, Italy
I uploaded a few albums on Facebook. Check out Southern Italy Places, and Faces